i think i should learn from the mendocino experience that being non-communicative with you about my feelings only hurts me more in the end. but i’m still too chicken to tell you, so i leave it to chance that you will read them here.
it was not fun to hear you say that it was a mistake to fly out and see me.
yet for some reason beyond my logic, i still have residual feelings left-over.
so now i want you to know that i have mixed feelings about you coming to china. part of me is excited that we will be living in the same city for a bit, and that i will get to really know you because i realize that the way i feel about you for the most part is based on the time we had traveling together in china. vacation allows people (or at least me anyway) to get stuck in moments that don’t reflect real life. part of me is scared that after getting to know you my feelings will get stronger and you won’t feel the same. and that instead you will lean on me as a friend and i will have to worry about you sleeping with other women. and part of me just doesn’t want you to come because i think i need to move on. and a small part of me is ready to date you and finally not have our time together be like minutes slipping through a sandglass. so that this time, i can see whether fate will continue to play its trick on me or be for once, kind. but then this part of me doesn’t want things to work out between us because i don’t want to do long distance. and then a part of me thinks that i would do anything to be with you. because didn’t i tell you, you gave me butterflies the moment i met you 2 yrs ago and to this day still do? see what did i tell you? my feelings are all mixed up.
