life. in china. captured through the eyes of a nomad named jen.

so growing up and even now, my chinese mama always seemed to have a chinese saying for everything. i’ll say this and she can respond with a four word idiom dating back to confucius. i’ll do that and she’ll reach into her bag of thousands of thousands of idioms and throw one out that she feels appropriately describes the action at hand.

when i moved here to china, i discovered that everyone knows all 1,000,000,000 idioms ever created during China’s 5,000 year history. every idiom my mom knows my coworker knows. and vice versa.

i myself hardly remember even one as the four words that are stringed together to form the idiom are a bit complex for my conversational chinese vocabulary.

that is until now.

now i know an idiom that i love and use aptly. qi lu zhao ma.

ride donkey find horse. similar to kiss frog find prince.

i was out with these chinese girls last friday night. we were on the prowl for cute men. but then one of the blurted out. “qi lu zhao ma!” say what?

ride donkey find horse. she said, girls we just have to find a donkey tonite. we have to find the donkey to ride in order to find the horse.

okay, so i said. find the donkey. find the donkey! i’m always looking for the horse . the thoroughbred who wins the kentucky derby year after year. (every now and then i do ride a jack ass after a few drinks. jk mom) but maybe she’s right, i have to ride a donkey first.

well we looked and we looked. from one bar to the next. and as we sat down scarfing down the greasy fried rice at 2am in the morning, this was our conclusion: even donkeys worth riding are hard to find here in Beijing.

so welcome to my life. no donkeys. no horses. only ugly little dogs that wear blue shoes seem to cross my path. brilliant.

what was funnier

this dog or his owner who wore mc hammer style pants with monty python characters print.

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i was going through pics and had to post this beautiful picture of the beautiful bride. my dear sexy sweet veronica.

last nite, i entertained eight coworkers in my flat. i tried out some new recipes and they were a hit. yeehaw and a yum yum.

some of them have never ate salsa before, so i made a tangy mango salsa with jalapeno, cilantro and cucumber.

some of them had never had a honey dijion mustard balsamic vinaigrette dressed up salad, so i tossed one with shredded carrots, sweet corn, and tomatoes.

some of them had never had feta cheese before, so i threw a bit into a summer greek pasta salad with olives, red onions, and cucumbers covered in an olive oil- basil- red wine vinegar-black pepper-salt-garlic powder sauce on fusili.

this morning these were the lame poems i had running through my head.

number one:

he’s with her.

she’s with him.

he’s with him.

she’s with her.

they’re together.

i’m alone.

this………..sucks……….ass……..

number two:
technicolor daydreams of us together are turning into stark black and white reality. it just ain’t going to happen sista.

so i didn’t find my match on friday night, but alas i was quite the matchmaker.

the night started with me meeting Colin at the new, hip go see and be seen bar, the FACE. No cute faces really save for the two gay boys I met through Colin. I was delighted. I miss having gay boyfriends. I had Larry in UCLA, Will in England, and the closest one I had in Beijing thus far was Will’s buddy who was passing through one weekend. It was an instant connection. It usually is. I am my complete and utter self with most gay boys; they bring out the best in me- raunchy humour, raunchy dance moves- you know how we do.

anyway, an hour or so after arriving at Face, me, the two gay boys, and a girl from Stanford headed around the corner to beijing’s premier gay club (only gay club), called Destination (aka Desperation). Gay boy number 1, a Beijing born now living in SF as a KPMG consultant by day, and professional weekend go-go dancer at The Bar in the Castro by night, (”my parents know i’m gay, but they don’t know i’m a go-go dancer”) had met gay boy number 2, three weeks ago on Desperation’s vibrating dance floor.

” Who are youuuuuuuuuu?”

” Ummmmmmmm. Ｉdon’t think I know you.”

Despite the initial play hard to get attitude, these two got to know each other pretty well over the next three weeks. And now they were helping me get acquainted with the gay scene in Beijing. After a few hours in Desperation, these were my observations:

1) Destination full of cute Chinese boys, no surprise. Isn’t this always the case everywhere? You arrive in a city thinking its full of cute men, then realize they all have disappeared from the streets and are actually dancing their nights away in places like this one. 2) cute gay boys sure know how to flatter a girl. they simply go up and say “you’re pretty” and walk away. sincerity goes a long way when you know they don’t want to get down your pants. 3) conversations in gay bars are no holds barred. you tend to skip the small talk and go straight for the meaty topics. literally. within seconds of striking up a conversation, this guy told me with a straight face and almost flawles english, ” you know…..the men from Shangdong have a reputation for having big cock.” go-go dancer said it’s true, Shangdong guys do have this rep. Okay, so Sichuan has spicy food. Shangdong has big cock. With a billion people, diversity sure runs its course in my motherland!

Alright. So, how did I become a matchmaker? Well, after talking to a friendly chap named Sebastian from Belgium, I took it upon myself to teach him three magic words in Mandarin. ” you are cute- ni ca ai”. He used his new found vocab on this Chinese guy sitting across from us (don’t think he was from Shangdong), and well……let’s just say that when I left Desperation, I saw the two of them jump into a cab together.

Awesome. Mission Accomplished.  Good Karma, come my way!

DANCE PARTY AUG 4 SEEKING COOL LADIES! Private party DawangLu area Friday nite 8pm. Cool handsome foreigners hosting house party. Seeking beautiful asian girls. Send email with picture chinawork2002@yahoo.com No pictures no reply sorry — shuige

good to know that my bok choy cooking skills and one woman fan dances that show off my silky smooth skin and my long flowing black hair might garner me an invite. good to have choices on a friday night in beijing. long live AFGs, long live penthouse dance parties with beautiful asian babes! oh but wait. i speak perfect english. that may disqualify me. because mr. lao wai, might just want. yes, yes, yes. okay you like? yes? me love you long time.

too bad. soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sad.

i was sorta having a shitty china blues day. anyone who lives here knows what i mean. i feel like this week, the euphoria of living in a new place has died down. but then, just now too sheepish to ask for my fourth cracker from my snackin co-worker, she said i can order one and have it delivered. i was like what? i can order one package of crackers?

i love china. here you can order one package of crackers for 30 cents with free delivery, no tip necessary. yum yum.