July 30, 2006

happy valentines day (post dedicated to emily, who just got a rose from coworker in taiwan. lucky %%$#.)

to me. since no one has yet to wish me happy valentines day. yep, today is one of two valentine days in china. and the story goes a little something like this:

“According to ancient Chinese mythology the Cowherd and the Weaver Maid, lovers separated by the Queen Mother of the Western Heavens, can only meet tonight”

cowherd, weaver maid, whatever the hell they are and whatever their story may be;another reason for chinese to express their love for each other.

i’m only beginning to scratch the surface of love and all its glory in china myself. last week, i learned that it’s normal to wait three months to get your first kiss when dating someone. i told my chinese confidant that in america, most wait till the second date normally (i dare not tell her the mundaneness of one night stands or what happens at a frat party).

“wow! have you ever kissed on your second date?”

……..”maybe.”

in china, boys take the lead. while girls may “pull” in england. its the boys that do the chasing here. not that i would know. no one is chasing me here of chinese origin. only expats who must have visions of me cooking them bok choy and doing one woman fan dances. really though, i did get an offer from an english man that he could bring me to ecstacy five times in 24 hours or else i would get free dinners every night for one year. if he looked like jude law i would have jumped on the offer. instead, i jumped in a cab and went home by MYSELF.

needless to say, my asian fetish guy (AFG) alarm has been operating at full force. at clubs, at bars, while walking down the sidewalk. of course, there are normal Western men who aren’t here in beijing chasing suzy wongs at suzy wongs (hip bar). these ones, appear to be taken already. lucky me.

at times, however, beijing only seems to crawl with AFGs and chinese men who hurl spit at 15 mph. and it is then i start to question, will i ever meet someone who is at least 5″10, loves kids, doesn’t smoke, wants to eradicate world poverty, phones his mom, boogies till the break of dawn, bbqs a mean veggie burger, and massages me on command?

at times, beijing seems to be exploding with happy, loved up couples. people who have crossed off enough requirements on their partner checklists and have gleefully passed the three month waiting period. they are now sitting and making out on the benches in front of my flat. holding hands and whispering sweet nothings next to me on the bus. and buying roses for each other, today, tonight when China’s long lost lovers, the Cowherd and the Weaver Maid meet and make whoopee.

many times, i wish my doggie poochie was still alive. so that at the end of the day, if nothing else, i can come home to the unconditional love of a being so sweet, that i don’t give a #$%W$% that i’m 27 1/2, and not even close to finding my baby’s daddy.

,,Chinese valentine's day,,,niu lang,,zhi nv,,

A young man and woman, dressed as “Niu Lang” and “Zhi Nv” - a couple in the folklore related to the Chinese Valentine’s Day, perform in Zhongguancun in Beijing Monday, July 31, 2006. The man, carrying a pair of kids on his shoulder, and the woman, holding a condom with both hands, say they intend the performance as a reminder for the lovers to remember the family planning policy while enjoying the Chinese Valentine’s Day, which falls on the seventh day of the seventh month in Chinese calendar. [China Foto Base]

July 27, 2006

i’m turning chinese, i’m turning chinese

i really think so. tonight i’m gong to go karoke for the third time in one month. and eat the included free buffet. i have a french manicure. but not just any kind, its silver with glitter. i say ungh, no i mean, i grunt ungh ungh ungh when i answer people’s question instead of replying with words from the dictionary. i am disgruntled with traffic and pollution. so much so, i told my coworker i want to kick someone. i want to kick her. she wants to choke me, so i think its only fair. she said to me ” no, I love you, you won’t kick your lover unless you’re crazy.” i may be crazy, but since when are we lovers? she did sleep over after us coworkers sang songs at CashBox till 3am for one of our birthdays the other night. but she slept on the futon in a seperate room. and she lives with her boyfriend. my other coworker doesn’t have one. maybe that’s why when i suggested that we play badminton in the offce and asked whether she has a birdie, she said, ” you mean shuttle cock? “
“Hmmm. I’ve never heard it called that before”
” Unsure about the shuttle. But, pretty sure cock. Hee.”
” What the heck? “
” Hee.”
okay, i may be turning chinese on the outside. but, i think that my brain is still operating with a bit more um, shoot i forget the word. forget it. i’m turning chinese. I really think so.
******************
okay. what i’m not turning is irish or british. why? cuz i just found out they call a birdie a shuttlecock!!who knew?! its a fucking birdie. not shuttlecock! playing with a “shuttlecock” is gross because of the way the word has been captured by modern slang. however, as colin says “just because you lot feel uncomfortable about a word doesn’t mean the rest of the world are going to adapt your more ‘appropraite’ word! it’s a shuttlecock!”i’m going to have to teach my chinese coworkers some proper english!

July 13, 2006

my landlords

left me……

1) a grey plastic unicorn
2) small stone lions (for good luck they say)
3) a big plastic elephant (for good luck they say)
4) three inflatable apples the size of my head
5) a ceramic old chinese man/woman bobble head
6) two faded posters of mecca (they are chinese muslims)
7) a huge framed painting of roses, chinese style
8) a plastic plant with ugly purple flowers
9) two matching chinese vases

i will pack these things up and kindly return to them when i see them next week. i am 27 not 12 and i do not need to play with plastic unicorns or inflatable apples anymore. and i never had a thing for bobble heads. nor am i muslim. roses, roses i like. especially long stemmed red ones. but i don’t like huge paintings of roses, so old that the paper is rolling up on the edges inside the gaudy fake wood frame. apparently my landlords didn’t like it enough either to take to their new home. but lucky me. i get to keep it in my dining room area. and if i don’t like it, i can store it on the balcony. but there’s no room because they are already making me store a used toilet there!

don’t get me wrong, i think my flat is pretty decent. hardwood floors. windows in every room. yada yada. and my landlords are quite endearing leaving me all those items as a welcome gift. but they also left me a flat with the kind of toilet with no water in the bowl. water only swooshes down through the bowl when you flush. you can imagine what kind of trouble that brings. in fact, i wait to do my business at work just to avoid skidmark central. but weekends have so far been unpleasant as i drop the kids off at the pool with dread that it won’t be a clean delivery.
so…. i’ve decided to buy a new toilet. despite rising costs here in beijing, toilets remain affordable. thank bhudda. thus, i will get one that will put my mind and bodily functions to ease because it will have lots of water in the toilet bowl . enough water that if i had a dog, it would try to drink out of it.

BUTTTTTTTT, my landlords are making me keep the old one. on the balcony. where i hang all my clean laundry to dry. come on, i understand pack rat mentality. i grew up with a mom who can’t throw away a letter H my sister carved out in woodshop in 1993.
however, making me keep a used toilet is beyond any normal ratpack sensibilities. in fact, it is just plain ol crappy!

July 11, 2006

bats, boyfriends and walk of shame

This morning, i emerged from the apartment with the same clothes as yesterday, hair and teeth unbrushed, and shaken up from the previous night’s happening. my first walk of shame in beijing. and before you form any ideas of any jchu naughty rendevouz, let me just say that my walk of shame (short bus ride included) back to my flat happened because of a group of bats. yeah bats. 30 of them! circling under some lamp posts in front of my flat.

wtf? bats in the middle of beijing? wtf? i asked a couple sitting outside what are those creatures flying around there called in chinese? bian fu. okay bian fu sounded close enough to bats.

i hate bats. five years ago, while hiking through a cave in the tranquil hills of Tuscany, a group of bats swarmed straight past me, some flying low enough to brush against my head. i screamed then and i almost cried last night. spiders no problem. i take miss charolette outside to freedom in fact. rats, i’ve lived with them in london. the sight of them grosses me out, but whatever, I deal. cockroaches, they are ugly as hell and i don’t like to look at them either. but bats….. i am deathly afraid of.

anyway, not sure what to do, i called dennis to ask him if bats do in fact, live in beijing. no answer. a phone call to another friend confirmed my fear. i then texted carolyn and josh to tell them i was scared to walk past the nasty nocturnal creatures flying a few feet from me. after ten minutes, i sent a second text to ask them if i can crash at their house.

and hence a week and one day later, i was back at where i started. back in the nice, comfortable, home of my cousins because jenny wenny was scared of some batty wattys. and now you know why i walked my walk of shame this morning.

and boyfriends? during my walk of shame (and short bus ride) to my flat, i figured i better ramp up my lovelife (which currently is nil). a boyfriend would come in handy when i need someone to escort me past a group of bats right? or, i can just buy a flashlight to scare them off like my Carolyn suggested, which is probably what i will end up doing.


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